Updated: Feb 28, 2022
Growing up I was never happy with who I was to be open. I was picked on for my weight or other things and developed serious anxiety because of it. I have chose to present myself as goofy and easy going and am actually very afraid of confrontation, however, I present myself as confident and opinionated which in turn leads people to believe that I am not scared of confrontation. I like to think of myself as a strong, thoughtful individual but over the years I have come to realized that I am also an individual who carries a lot of anxiety that many would not see from the outside looking in. I feel like I am a very friendly person who tries to make others lives easier just like my parents, which makes it hard for people to understand why I may behave in certain ways to cover up my anxiety.
I believe another factor has played a huge role in the shaping of my own self concept as well as not being comfortable with myself comes from comparing myself to my friends and peers around me; oftentimes getting envious of their traits and abilities and it has led me to have to be constantly aware of worrying about myself only and just staying in my own lane. This can be very hard to do as we all know and it makes for a tough time when you are in the constant spiral of social comparison and judging yourself against someone else who may be battling the same or worse demons than you are. However, like anything you must find a positive in the negatives: These comparisons were not all bad; a lot of the time they made me reevaluate if I need to work harder in a certain area of my life or made me feel more grateful for what I already possess. I have been comparing my body to my friends for years, and I am finally truly starting to feel proud of my body. This is due to the fact that I checked myself and compared myself to my mentors and people I look up to in order to push myself and make myself mentally and physically stronger. If there was no comparison, there may have been no change; there lies the positive within the negative.
I have experienced some severe anxiety over the last couple of years that has made me a lot more sensitive and a lot more self aware of my own needs for my mental health. I felt a lot of self doubt, self-hate, and disgust daily and it became overwhelming. The silver lining is that I have come out on the other side and it showed me the way I need to destress or reflect when things start to spiral out of control and also sparked a passion to share my experience with others and the habits I have built to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.