Through these hectic times over the past couple of months at school, I have come to realize I am not really at peace with myself a lot of the time. I work through a lot of emotional states, some of which where I feel like I do not have full control over my emotions. I really dislike this state but I find it comes from something completely in my control. It comes from the constant labelling and judgement of myself in normal situations and that script playing over and over to the point where my mind becomes so accustomed to these triggers that I get used to being stressed out.
I have had many weeks these past few months where I have been very happy with my emotional state and felt like I had managed my own emotional wellbeing with care and poise. The big piece I took away from these weeks was that I settled into them with some compassion, intent and appreciation. It was far less of a rush to accomplish tasks and much more of a mindful process of choosing to enjoy whatever I was doing as much as I could. I believe some of my inner peace came from the daily reminder to push myself hard, but to also take any chance I could to appreciate the wonderful opportunities and blessings I have in my life. The opportunity to compete and the ability to contend in college tournaments, as well as the camaraderie I get to enjoy. The reality is that only a handful of people involved in my craft ever get to enjoy these things in their lives. It is the acceptance that I have a terrific life and my power lies in the ability to never downplay a situation simply because it is not as great as someone else's'. I love my life and the hand I have been dealt is one that comes with so much to be grateful for and appreciate every day. I find the days where everything is spinning and nothing is good enough are days where I find little to no space in my head and in my heart for gratefulness. I find myself caught up in envy of others, my desire to win, trying to get better in every aspect of my life to the point that I hinder my ability to stop and appreciate how lucky I am simply to be alive, how amazing life is and how wonderful the life around me is no matter what the current reality looks like.
I have the desire to do hard things because I understand this enhances the skills I am working on: mental toughness and the ability to be patient. The thing I have yet to fully grasp is sometimes we need to rest and I still feel continuous guilt from resting, as I feel like I am not getting you better. The reality is that resting is the place I can find time for myself to do the mental work necessary to level up in any area of my life. This time to ourselves is so valuable to give space to breathe freely, feel emotions fully, process our thoughts with an open mind and be with ourselves in a safe space. This comfortable setting is necessary in order to get back to stillness during what can feel like a storm; life going on around us. The cultivation of this inner peace is something that I have only started working on, but is something that excites me because it a peace of the puzzle that gets me closer to being content with who I am both inside and out.